What Husbands Need to Know After 20+ Years of Marriage
Strategies to Keep Your Relationship Alive
The rise of “grey divorce” is real. Since 1990, divorce among 50-year-olds has doubled, while divorce among 65+ has tripled. I hate to be a statistic… but here I am… And here’s what I’ve come to believe:
Most long marriages don’t end because of one big thing.
They end because, over time…two people slowly stop meeting each other.
Divorce happens when people don’t want the next 20-30 years to be like the last. It is painful, expensive, and greatly impacts the entire family, not just the husband and wife.
What if you still love your wife, but yearn for the excitement that led you to get married in the first place? What do you do?
Here are some strategies to re-ignite that old flame.
Garden Your Relationship
First of all, realize that after 20 years, the connection doesn’t just disappear. It has stopped being tended to. Probably a long time ago. Relationships are like a garden. They require constant care. When you forget to water it, it dries up. You stop being the top priority for each.
The change usually begins when you have kids. Then everything shifts. Hormones, bodies, attention span, and so much more. The kids become your wife’s priority.
At first, my husband and I had the prescribed weekly date night. But he traveled a lot, was tired, and just wanted to stay home… so those faded away. Then he wanted to go out with the kids because he hadn’t spent as much time with them as I did. So we had family adventures. Those didn’t fuel our relationship.
Bridge the Distance
The message here is– you’re probably not the only one feeling the distance. If you feel lonely, I bet hands down she does too. So what do you do?
What I needed from my husband and never got was recognition, acknowledgement, and witnessing. No one ever says, “Hey! Thanks for always having clean socks in my drawer for me!” Or “Thanks for picking up the dry cleaning!” Just taking a moment to acknowledge what she’s done, and been doing for years that no one sees. Even just having milk in the frig for breakfast takes remembering and buying it. The more you witness her, and appreciate all she does the more she will feel seen and in turn will mirror that back to you. Then, you will both feel seen and heard.
Create Romantic Moments
What if you feel like romance has been missing in your marriage for a long time? Remember– Romance doesn’t return on its own— you have to reintroduce it. Romance isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about intentional attention.
What would you do if you were romancing someone new? Maybe send flowers? Plan a nice dinner date where you don’t wear jeans? Send a card to say you’re thinking of her? Maybe plan a weekend away? Small little actions can reap big rewards here. Think about what you did in the beginning to get her to fall in love with you!
Deep Conversations
One thing that draws people into relationships are deep conversations. Taking the time to talk about how you feel, being vulnerable, opening up. These kinds of conversations are important for a long term relationship. You guys aren’t co-managers of the household or logistic partners. You are committed life partners and the element of vulnerability is the difference. You go DEEP.
To do this, you start. Open up. Tell your wife how you feel. You might start by saying you love her and are committed to her and you really want to work on the relationship together. Tell her exactly how you are feeling.
You might catch her off guard if you’ve never done this before, so proceed with care.
The Cost of Routine
One of the things that kills romance is routine. When you are in your routine, you’re on automatic pilot– executing… not FEELING. To revive excitement, introduce novelty. I’m not saying plan to go sky diving together, but you might! Start by making plans for the weekend. Do it on Monday, so you both have something to look forward to. Maybe it’s a picnic or a trip to the museum to see a new exhibit, or reservations to a new restaurant that’s opened… something fun and exciting to look forward to. You can ask her what she’s going to wear so she can start to think about it. Make it a nice event. Do this on repeat so you build excitement into your relationship.
Remember: She’s a Woman
Take the time to let your wife know you see her as a woman. Maybe ask her, “What’s something you’ve been thinking about that you haven’t said aloud?” or “What’s been on your mind lately that has nothing to do with the kids or the house?”
The Benefits of Anticipation
Think about how you can build up anticipation. This was definitely missing from my relationship. I tried to convince my husband that we should plan intimacy for Friday nights, but his response was that intimacy can’t be planned.
Well, that is just wrong. You can plan intimacy. Having the time and space to focus on each other. Not making other commitments because you know that evening or afternoon is special. Preparing for the time…
The Beginning of Intimacy
Remember this critical key: Intimacy starts long before the bedroom. It’s how you hold her hand when you’re walking, or touch her arm as you walk by, or look into her eyes when she’s talking to you.
Don’t expect to “just do it.” Plan romance and quality time together. The build-up of tension and something to look forward to is exciting when you plan all week and talk about it ahead of time.
One thing I wish my husband knew was the importance of touch without expectation. This is huge and I don’t think it is often talked about. When touch always leads to sex, touch disappears. (READ THAT AGAIN.) Touch itself is so sensual, but when it comes with the knowledge that penetration is next, it distracts from the beauty of the touch.
An evening when one person is focused on and gets touched all over by the partner is very sensual. Then on another night, change places. And set the boundary beforehand that the outcome is not sex. It’s touching tenderly. To reconnect.
The problem for me is that sex was painful after menopause. Since my divorce, I learned that I didn’t have to experience that. I found solutions. Make sure your partner is not suffering and that the experience is positive for everyone.
My husband always said, “men need a place, women need a reason.” He should have taken his own advice. Women are in their heads and sex isn’t just a head game. If your partner is lying there waiting for it to be over, something definitely has to change. You have to help her turn her head off and be in her body and feel her body. Talk about this in advance… put all the cards on the table. Together, you are a team.
Venting vs. Fixing
Also, since I have your attention here men, let me tell you one other critically important point. Men are hardwired to fix things. Your wife comes with a problem, and you try to fix it. What you are telling her is that she is incapable of doing it herself. Here’s the thing: sometimes women just need to VENT. She just needs you to listen, to witness her. To support her. You don’t have to be logical or find a solution unless that is what she is asking for. So when your wife comes to you, ask her, “Do you want me to listen or help solve? Are you venting or looking for solutions?”
That alone will save you so much tension!
The woman you fell in love with is still there. She didn’t disappear. She didn’t stop loving you.
She just stopped feeling met. And the truth is… she’s probably waiting. Not for perfection. Not for grand gestures. But for you to see her again. And she is probably eager to be seen.
Go make some plans, play her favorite song, dance in the kitchen… Remember the fun moments.
Reconnect.
All I can tell you is—it’s worth it! You are worth it. She is worth it. Go at it! Rekindle your passion.
Worth reading:
Tarot Pull
10 of Pentacles Reversed
The energy of this blog really comes through this tarot card, which I drew randomly from my deck.
The 10 of Pentacles right side up is all about long-term stability, family legacy, security, and the life we built together.
In reverse, it asks: at what cost?
It reveals that everything looks good on paper, there is a functioning household, financial security/success, but underneath, there’s emotional discontent, a lack of intimacy, and feeling like roommates.
So that’s what happens when the romance fades, passion is gone, and you stop seeing each other.
So reread the blog, and take action. Put the steps into practice.
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