Designing Intentional Intimacy
No one prepares women for this part of aging.
The Planning Conundrum
My goals for this year include finishing my divorce, remodelling my house… and having great sex.
Only one of those comes with no instructions.
When I was younger, goals were easy. I knew what I wanted to achieve and I established a path to get there. Metrics, deadlines, accountability.
But at 67, my goals are a bit “fuzzy.”
I mean I have some specific ones: complete my divorce, remodel my house, have great sex… but how do I break all that down into what to do TODAY, this week, this month?
So much of what I want to achieve is dependent upon what others are doing… my ex, the designer, the vibrator…
It left me in a quandary.
I don’t have clear steps or control over what I want to achieve. I feel a lack of agency. Time to shift that.
My overall goal is to live with intention. I want to make decisions and direct my life in my way.
I ask the question,
“what is possible?”
And I get stuck. What is possible? How can I move my life forward with intention?
I know the PROCESS: Take baby steps. Do the things you can control. Celebrate small wins.
I can figure out the divorce and the remodel.
But the great sex part… harumph. No one prepares women for this part of aging.
Lack of Role Models
My mom got divorced at 45 and that was the end of men for her, so she wasn’t a great role model.
I grew up with aging spinster aunts, so they weren’t the best role models.
I remember Mary Taylor Moore was the role model for single women living on their own with a career in the 70s. That was a huge shake up.
And the TV show, One Day at a Time, for the divorced mom with kids.
But where do I turn for great role models for sex after 60?
I am reading the book, A French Woman’s Guide to Sex After 60, by Marie de Hennezel, as a way to open my mind to new ideas.
At first, I was greatly discouraged. She said the sex at 60 will never compare to what it was at 40. Crap.
My 40s involved 5 rounds of invitro… then I twins… then 3 kids under the age of three… then colon cancer… My husband traveled relentlessly…he was managing his crazy work AND a total remodel of our home. We were both exhausted ALL-THE-TIME.
Sex in our 40s? Ha! If that’s the best I’m going to get… I’m doomed…
Marie went on to say that 70% of people give up on sex after 60. OK. That is not putting me in a better mood.
Let’s just assume I am in the other 30%... (for the sake of my sanity…).
Her prognosis is that “sex” has given away to “intimacy” which happens by design.
Reframing Sex
The good news is, intimacy is something new in my life and I am really enjoying it. What I like is that it’s open to interpretation and can lead to different places.
Adding the overlay of INTENTION lights me up. I can plan small moves and see how it goes.
The words that come to mind regarding sex in the past are: performance, obligation, validation-seeking…
Now with intimacy, it feels more like: connection, expression, pleasure, play, vitality…
Since I am in this new phase of life, I can release the old scripts and patterns and create a scenario that is good for me and hence good for my partner.
All the old baggage is dissolving to make room for creativity, freedom of expression, and frankly, a new identity for me.
Most of all, I know I have to consciously create what I want in this area of my life and it can’t depend on other people miraculously showing up.
What Intentionality Looks Like
To be happy in this area of my life requires me to be curious both for myself and my partner. And it all starts with me and self-connection.
Self-connection isn’t my strong point. Years of Catholic guilt drilled into me certain boundaries around my body. Like the “no-touch” zone. And it’s taken me years to be able to voice my actual desires. To advance here, I have to push existing boundaries out and grow comfortable with my body.
The next area of development for me is communication. I have learned that on the whole, men are not great mind readers no matter how loud I am shouting inside my head.To be able to voice what I want/desire outloud–not just in my own head– would be a major step forward.
To be able to verbalize my desires out loud is feasible when I feel I am in a safe environment. And working with a partner who is open to communication helps.
What has been fun is creating an environment where intimacy can develop. Living in a house with 3 adult kids and a dog who sleeps in my bed with me does put some dampers on the situation. It’s nothing I can’t manage. Add in some juicy music, candles, and no time constraints that support relaxation and arousal are key steps. And I think with the mindset that encourages experimentation and curiosity, there is great potential.
I think the more intentional I am, the more my confidence will improve and I will be able to overcome old, negative stories that are lurking in the back of my mind like:
My body isn’t attractive anymore… (those extra chins and sagging cheeks aren’t building my confidence.)
Sex isn’t important now (because it is to me!)
It’s too late to change (old dog, new tricks!)
I should be grateful for what I have (Yes, all this energy that needs direction!)
Desire is embarrassing at this age…
Before, among those young bucks, hormones were the driver. And possibly availability, external validation, and cultural momentum.
And desire, it turns out, does not retire.
Now I have something deeper that is driving me— the desire for emotional intimacy, learning about new aspects of myself, understanding my own desires, building my confidence in this area while not having to worry about performance, and having quality time instead of frequency.
What Intentionality Looks Like
What I am doing is out of choice. It has to do with figuring out what kind of experience I want now, what is nourishing me versus draining my energy, what pace feels right, and what tone do I want? Do I want to be playful or passionate, or adventurous, or tender…?
It’s time I turn the focus onto myself and what I truly desire and I can do this with intention.
I start with small micro goals…
Taking the time to put on moisture lotion on my legs… a bit of self-care I tend to ignore. But doing so smells goods and is a sensual pleasure. Adding fresh flowers to my desk and bedroom adds joy to my day.
Putting on clothes that I feel good in builds my confidence.
There are so many small steps we can take that create a warm, pleasing environment for ourselves and others so we can actively design the conditions we want instead of waiting for them to miraculously happen by some fate outside of ourselves.
And all of this leads to you becoming more empowered and taking agency to become fully yourself.
No one is going to hand you a roadmap for intimacy at this age.
But perhaps that is the gift.
For the first time, we are free to create it ourselves —
not out of obligation, not out of performance,
but out of desire.
And desire, it turns out, does not retire.
It waits for intention.
