What Needs to Change to Move Forward
Divorce is about letting go.
Divorce is more than the separation of two people. It’s tearing down a life you once knew and accepted. It’s a rejection of the old ways. It’s time to create new ways, dreams, and relationships. Relationships with yourself, your kids, your spouse, and others you meet.
Divorce is about letting go of your old way of being and reordering every part of your life.
At first I thought it was about me separating from Gunnar. Quickly I realized the kids had to create a new reality as well. The family structure, the vision for their future, the way they thought life was and would be, had to change. The stability they had once taken for granted was shattered. Now everything feels different.
It began with the holidays. Where do we go? What do we do? What about the old traditions? What do we eat? How do we celebrate? All the patterns we knew shifted.
I tried to keep some things the same. Where I floundered, my friends quickly filled in. Friends came to stay with us so we would have something new to look forward to and enjoy. We cooked new and different meals. We left the turkey in the dust at Thanksgiving and celebrated with roast pork. We had all new sides that were joined with the cranberry sauce and stuffing to hold it together. And, of course, pumpkin pie. We created new “traditions”. We’ll see how those go next year.
At Christmas, we also changed things up. We added new adventures like a Christmas Tea Party and theater. We did have our traditional Christmas Eve celebration with white elephant gifts, and we expanded to 19 people, adding Jamie(my brother-in-law to be)’s family into the fold.
As each month unfolds, new shifts are made. Old pieces of furniture are released, and new ways of being are adapted. Our environment shifts and looks different.
I think of my sister-in-law, who has moved so many times and changed to adapt to new environments. My aunt Bea recently downsized from the country house she designed and built and raised her three boys in. Now, she lives in a condo in town with easy access to all she and my uncle need. As my kids graduate from college, they face more changes.
When my parents sold our family home after they divorced, I wondered what would happen to family gatherings. We joined my dad with his new partner. It was awkward. And when we were with my dad, what was my mom doing? Alas, it’s too late to ask.
For my mom, letting go of all the furniture she had inherited from my great-aunt must have been devastating. She never spoke about it. It was all auctioned off bit by bit. Walking past the auction house that used to be on Union Street here in San Francisco and seeing the furniture I had grown up with in the window made my heart bleed. The past was gone, but memories linger on.
I’ve tried to be more open with my kids, to talk about my feelings, and to come to terms with the changes. But it’s not easy. I grew up in a time or place when feelings weren’t considered. We had to get on with the business of the day.
Now, I am learning to identify my feelings. It’s only been since the separation. I admit that I feel free yet still suffer the loss of what was. To be excited about the future and yearn for the security and comfort of the past. To learn new ways of being in the world.
I am amazed at how I can feel the excitement for my new life and still grieve the loss of my old life. To witness the detritus of the old way drift away as Gunnar sells off the furniture that once decorated the ranch house and brings in a whole new style. What was is no more. Maybe the outside looks the same, but the inside has changed. Just like we as people have changed. The outside looks much the same, but the inside has/is being remodeled to find a new way to be in the world. Change like this, the tearing down of the old to create the new, is not an overnight job. When we remodeled our house, it took two years and then the punch list lasted for ages. Recovering from this separation/ divorce is much the same process. What to save and what to let go of.
If you remodel only part of your house, the part that wasn’t remodeled looks old and suddenly doesn’t fit in, even though it was perfectly fine before. Since everything around it has changed, all its bumps and bruises are exacerbated.
That’s how I’m feeling. What has to change is everything to create a new way of being. Otherwise, the old parts will stick out oddly.
And I give myself the grace of two years for the inside job. It’s been eight months. Much has changed. And there’s still a long way to go.
There’s that crazy ride in amusement parks where they strap you into a seat, and you get hoisted high up into the air. Then they let you go, and you feel like you are free falling until you come out of it. I’ve only done that one time at 6 Flags, and I remember the feeling in my body. That’s what these past months have felt like—free-falling.
I’m beginning to recover from my initial shock and am moving forward. Things are still strange, and I am focused on creating new patterns and strategies for daily life.
Of course, it will evolve as my kids return from college. The energy in the house will shift. I need to make a conscious decision about what I want for myself and how I want my life to be.
I have 25 years +\- a few to go. I can still buy green bananas. What do I want to plant and grow? What do I want to create for my legacy? Big questions to ponder as I go through the motions of divorce and rebirth.
My challenge to you is to think about what is truly important to you. Are you living your best life? Are you realizing your dreams? Are you doing what you were put here in this lifetime to do? Are you answering your calling?
I have experienced an interesting shift. Before Gunnar said he wanted to separate and divorce, I felt a burning desire to build a business. Now, however, I am no longer called to that. Something else is calling. I’m not exactly clear what it is, but big changes are in the air.
Each day unfolds and opens up new possibilities. What is possible for you? Transitions like this push us to reach new potentials—potentials that were always there but hidden behind the veil. Now, the veil is being pulled back. What is coming forward for you?
Welcome to the Boudoir
Hi. If you are new to this site, I am Alicia Berberich. I have spent years motivating people to focus on becoming their best selves and move through transitions. Now, I am going through a significant transition and sharing my evolution to help others expand.
I talk about topics that have been left behind closed doors for too long. Only by sharing what we are going through can others help us expand to our full potential. That is why I call this Boudoir Banter. It is a place where women can feel free to express themselves fully. I am opening the door to my boudoir to help you increase your comfort level with different topics. From financial to emotional to sexuality, no topic is off the table.
If you know others who are going through similar transitions, please forward this blog to them! The more we can support each other through change, the easier the unfolding will be.
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