My girl friend said something the other day that stuck with me.
Her sister had just retired after more than thirty years in aerospace — a demanding corporate career in a male-dominated industry.
“I feel like I got my sister back!” she said.
Not because her sister had changed.
Because the funny, mischievous, joyful woman she remembered from childhood had reappeared.
That comment stayed with me.
Where had she gone?
Not physically, of course. She had been there all along.
But somehow the playful, carefree girl had become buried beneath deadlines, responsibility, meetings, expectations, and decades of carrying the weight of a serious career.
It made me wonder how many of us slowly disappear without ever noticing.
Where Did the Old Me Go?
We become so focused on building a successful life that we don’t realize we’re quietly leaving pieces of ourselves behind.
Work demands our attention. Marriage asks for compromise. Motherhood asks for sacrifice. Caretaking asks for endurance. Achievement asks for more achievement.
None of these things are wrong. Many of them are beautiful and meaningful.
But over time, we learn to edit ourselves.
Loud parts become quieter. Playful parts become “unprofessional.” Curious parts become “impractical.” Goofy parts become “immature.”
Without meaning to, we begin presenting edited version of ourselves we believe the world will accept — instead of the full person we actually are.
Finding Relief
I know that happened to me.
When my marriage ended, I expected grief.
What I didn’t expect was something that arrived later.
Relief.
Not relief because my marriage had ended.
Relief because I no longer felt like I had to be someone else’s version of myself.
For the first time in years, I could simply be... me.
It didn’t happen overnight. The real me had been buried for a long time. Beneath trying to keep the peace. Beneath worrying about everyone else’s needs. Beneath years of believing that being dependable mattered more than being joyful.
Little by little, those layers began to fall away.
Now I laugh more. I’m more curious. My creativity is blooming. I’m dancing. I’m creating spaces that reflect me.
I’m not becoming someone new.
I’m becoming someone I recognized.
Reconnected with Who I am Meant to Be
And perhaps that’s the greatest surprise.
Maybe healing isn’t about reinventing ourselves.
Maybe it’s about uncovering ourselves.
To remember the woman who existed before I learned to edit myself.
The woman who laughed too loudly… danced because dancing was fun…read mystery novels simply because she couldn’t wait to find out who did it… wandered bookstores without needing to justify buying another book…delighted in beautiful things simply because they made her smile.
That woman never disappeared.
She was simply waiting beneath the weight of who she thought she had to be.
Finding My Joy
These days I think a lot about joy.
Not because it’s frivolous.
Because it’s evidence that I’m still here.
Every time I dance... Every time I laugh until my stomach hurts... Every time I decorate a room exactly the way I want... Every time I follow my curiosity instead of my obligation...
I feel another piece of myself returning.
And maybe that’s what coming alive really means.
Not becoming someone different.
Becoming more completely ourselves.
Your Turn
So let me ask you something.
If someone who loved you as a child met you today —
Would they say, “There you are.”
Or would they wonder where you went?
Perhaps that’s the invitation.
Not to become someone new.
But to gently uncover the woman who has been waiting for you all along.
If this essay landed for you, the Art of Coming Alive series continues next week. Subscribe to Boudoir Banter today!
The Tarot Nook
The Lovers
The Lovers card is about choice, alignment, and becoming whole. That is exactly what I’m talking about here: reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that we have lost connection with in order to feel like with meet other’s expections.
But now you have the freedom to CHOOSE what you want. This emphasizes self-consultation. Are you going to choose the woman who is emerging? This choice allows you to integrate all the different parts of yourself into one whole.
You have the freedom to choose. What do you choose????
Nice!
I love this. I do feel like self-preservation takes on a whole new meaning when you think of it as preserving the essence of yourself, not surviving. Happy to know that joy is your new life companion!