The Old Code:
Why We Keep Repeating What We Don't Want
It’s wild how we can’t see the patterns that are ruining our lives — especially when they’re familiar.
“Can you not see what is in front of your face?” My girlfriend asked…
Apparently, I couldn’t. I asked for clarity.
“He is EXACTLY like your ex.”
“No, he is NOT,” I insisted. And I listed off the ways he was different:
he holds my hand and doesn’t complain
he looks at me and smiles
he opens the car door for me…
“Yes, yes, yes…” she said. “But he treats you the same way. He says mean condescending comments, he tears you down instead of building you up, he has negative energy.”
None of that I saw.
Why? For the same reason that the fish is the last one to know he is swimming in water. It’s pervasive. It’s always been there, and the fish knows no difference.
Her words didn’t land immediately. But then it happened again — this time with someone who actually treated me well…
Here’s what happened: I started going out with a fairly nice guy.
He texts regularly to check in and see how I’m doing.
He asks about my kids and the dog.
He shares his day with me.
And I feel… uncomfortable— even though that is exactly what I said I wanted.
Yet it wasn’t familiar.
Kindness felt foreign.
Care felt suspicious.
My nervous system didn’t know where to file this new information.
It turns out we don’t crave what’s good for us.
We crave what we’re used to.
When you’re inside the jar, you can’t read the label.
My Italian girlfriend (Sophia Loren would be proud) could see the whole thing clearly from the outside. I, meanwhile, was swimming in murky emotional water, insisting it was fine.
Here’s the Ugly Truth
We are comfortable with what we are accustomed to.
Identify the beliefs that once protected you but now keep you small.
The News
We keep repeating what we don’t want because we are not even AWARE of the pattern.
Hello! Time to change the story. And now I have the AWARENESS to NOT DO IT AGAIN!!!
The Old Code
I’ve had this code running below the surface– my hidden operating system. I’ve been absorbing invisible messages about how to belong, how to succeed, and how to be loved since before I could talk.
Be polite.
Be pretty.
Be helpful.
Don’t rock the boat.
Don’t ask for too much.
That code decided what I thought I deserved, how much space I could take up, what kind of treatment felt “normal,” and even what kind of men I allowed into my life.
It shaped my instincts.
It shaped my choices.
It shaped my whole damn map of reality.
So even when I try to “be different,” my subconscious grabs the wheel and says, “Don’t worry, I know the way back to your comfort zone.”
Even if the comfort zone is actually a cage.
This was my operating system. The Good Girl System.
And so I ended up living in a loop:
I work harder, yet feel stuck.
I want clarity, yet stay confused.
I want freedom, yet default to obligation.
My brain kept running the familiar pattern because the familiar felt safe.
Even when the familiar was suffocating.
But here’s the good news — and it is very good news:
Once you see the old code, you can rewrite it.
Awareness is the crack in the system.
Awareness is the moment your conscious mind wakes up and says:
“This isn’t fate. This is programming.”
The work isn’t to fix yourself — it’s to upgrade your code.
To identify the beliefs that once protected you but now keep you small.
To ask:
“What if I don’t need this anymore?”
“What if I can do this differently?”
“What if love isn’t supposed to feel like management?”
And then — slowly, bravely —
you choose differently.
If you want to try this for yourself, here’s a simple RecodeNOW practice:
1. Notice one pattern that keeps repeating.
A type of person you choose.
A dynamic you fall into.
A reaction that feels automatic.
2. Ask yourself:
- What belief is this pattern reinforcing?
3. Then whisper:
“I see you. You’re not me anymore.”
It sounds small, but it’s powerful. Because awareness begins the rewrite. And once you rewrite the code, your whole life begins to change.
Next Issue
In the next issue, I will talk about the moment when everything starts to shift– the instant you go from reacting to creating. It’s what I call the Choice Point, and it’s the foundation of all true transformation.
Until then—
Choose differently. Live deliberately.
Tarot Pull
Ace of Pentacles Reversed
The Ace of Pentacles are like the seeds that fall on rocky ground. It’s not fertile and it’s hard to grow anything. The soil is wrong. It is guiding you to change the foundation.