The Invisible Grip:
How Control Issues Hide in Relationship Patterns
The Invisible Grip:
How Control Issues Hide in Relationship Patterns
Introduction
Have you ever looked back on a relationship and suddenly realized you were stuck in a pattern you couldn’t see at the time? I have. And it took stepping away from that relationship to fully understand how much control – subtle and unspoken– had shaped the way I showed up.
For years, I thought I was an easy going person, someone who didn’t “sweat the small stuff.” When I finally broke free from a dynamic where I was constantly adapting to someone else’s needs, I realized I hadn’t been relaxed – I had been controlled.
And the scariest part? I didn’t even see it happening.
Today I want to explore how control can hide in plain sight within relationship patterns, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to change it.
How Patterns Form in Relationships
Relationship patterns are like well-worn paths through the forest. You walk them again and again, often without questioning if they’re the best route. These patterns develop from small, repeated interactions – who makes the decisions, who compromises, who takes on the emotional labor. Over time, they become the “way things are,” even if they don’t serve us.
For me, in my relationship, I began by having a viewpoint. I have a rather strong personality. After many trials of getting shut down, I stopped making an effort to assert myself. I told myself he was smarter than I was, he had a better sense of spatial awareness, he was more creative, he could see things that I couldn’t see… all sorts of stories that I believed. I caved in to his desires because I believed he would make the best decisions. My opinions were somehow off.
At first it seemed harmless. I told myself I wasn’t picky, and it was nice that someone else took the lead. After years of this, when I tried to make simple choices, I found myself hesitating, unsure, waiting for approval. That’s when I realized: I had been conditioned to let someone else take control.
No patterns are bad, of course. Some bring stability and ease. But the ones that make you smaller, that take away your sense of self? Those are the ones you need to question.
Signs You Might Be in a Controlling Pattern
Some signs of unhealthy control in a relationship aren’t always obvious. Here are a few ways to spot them:
You find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.
I used to apologize if my partner was in a bad mood, even when it had nothing to do with me. I felt responsible for keeping the peace.
You second guess your choices.
I remember hesitating before sharing my opinion because I didn’t want to upset the boat.
You avoid certain topics or downplay your feelings to keep things smooth.
Your needs consistently take a backseat.
Looking back, I see that I had stopped pursuing hobbies and friendships that mattered to me because they weren’t “convenient” for my partner.
Do any of these sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone.
Why You Overlook these Patterns
I didn’t recognize these patterns in my own life for a LONG time, and here’s why:
Familiarity feels safe.
You are wired to accept what feels familiar, even if it’s unhealthy. If you grew up in a home where one person’s emotions dictated the entire household, you might not even notice when the same dynamic plays out in your relationship.
Control often starts small.
Rarely does someone walk into your life and say, “I’m going to control you now.” Instead, it starts with little shifts – letting someone pick the restaurant every time, adjusting your schedule around theirs, dismissing your own preferences as “not a big deal.” By the time you realize how much you’ve given up, it can feel too late.
Self-doubt creeps in…
“Maybe I’m overreacting… Maybe this is how relationships work…” Those were the thoughts that kept me stuck. If someone regularly dismisses your concerns or tells you that you’re imagining things, it’s easy to start believing them.
Change feels risky.
When you’re used to a certain way of being, even an unhealthy dynamic can feel safer than stepping into the unknown. I remember wondering, “If I stop going along with everything, will I push this person away?” That fear kept me stuck longer than I care to admit.
Breaking the cycle: How to shift patterns
Once I started seeing the patterns, I had to figure out how to break them. Here’s what helped me (and might help you too):
Awareness first. Start by naming the pattern. Write it down. Say it out loud. Once I admitted, “I have been prioritizing someone else’s needs over mine for years, things became clearer.”
Trace it back. Ask yourself, where did I learn this pattern? For me, I realized that growing up in a home where people-pleasing was a survival skill made me more susceptible to these dynamics in a relationship.
Experiment with change. Pick one small thing to do differently. Say no to something minor. Expressing a preference, I remember the first time I said, Actually, I would really rather eat somewhere else tonight. It was uncomfortable, and empowering at the same time.
Seek outside perspective – A close friend or a coach can help you see what you might be missing. I remember talking to a friend who said, You always act like you’re ok with things, but are you really? That question changed everything.
Practice self-compassion. Change is messy. Some days you’ll slip into old patterns. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human.
Rewriting your relationship story
The biggest realization for me was this: control isn’t always about force. Sometimes, it’s about the slow erosion of choice. The good news? You can reclaim it.
If any of this resonated with you, I encourage you to start paying attention to the patterns in your relationships. Which ones feel healthy? Which ones feel limiting? And what’s one way you can start shifting them today?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you ever had a moment where you suddenly saw a pattern for what it was?
Forward this newsletter to friends or family members who may be dealing with these issues and are feeling stuck and looking for options.
