The Hidden ADHD in Women Over 50 No One Talks About

Why so many capable women feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and quietly ashamed.

For most of my life, I thought I had a discipline problem.

At 67, I realized something else entirely was going on.

I realized that I have ADHD.

I finally put all the pieces together.

So many of the elements of my life that frustrated me now have an underlying foundation.

As a young child, I tried so hard to be neat and organized the way my mother wanted me to be, but it was impossible. I am like the Tasmanian Devil, stirring up dirt and chaos whenever I enter a room. I start projects and somehow can’t finish them. I can focus and get things done, but only under the duress of a deadline. I have blamed it on the bright shiny object syndrome for years… But it turns out it is more than that.

Photo by Kelsy Gagnebin on Unsplash

Signs and symptoms of ADHD in a woman over 65

It’s not like I’m a complete disaster. I have systems in place to keep me sane. My glasses, hat, keys, and phone I leave in a particular spot: my jacket pocket. OK. Maybe it doesn’t seem logical to you, but I am always walking the dog or running errands and throwing on my jacket makes it easy. I may look like a bit of a bum with weighed down pockets, but it works for me.

Where do my systems break down?

I have 1001 unfinished projects. I have taken courses called FINISH just so I can figure out how to complete what I start… but it doesn’t happen. I tell myself (so unproductively) that I have the attention span of a flea… The truth is, I just get distracted. For me, it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. Which means my desk is a wasteland of unfinished projects waiting patiently for me to reengage with them… but there are too many more pressing items jumping into the forefront of my mind. Bills, taxes, insurance, spreadsheets, holy guacamole thinking about it makes me dizzy.

I’m not great at multi-step processes. This has become so frustrating because since my pending divorce, I have to monitor my financials which require 2 step authorization and I somehow haven’t got it set up right on either my or my computer and it never works and I have to get a new password which requires I check my email, but it hasn’t come in yet, so I look at the other emails… and I am lost in the chaos of the email scroll…. Never completing the assignment I started.

If it’s simple, I can do it. But somehow everything seems so complicated.

And there are the ENDLESS interruptions between my kids, the dog, the doorbell, my phone, etc. Funny that I have to leave my house for privacy.

My environment feels out of control. I get overwhelmed by simple decisions. Prioritizing is challenging because everything was due yesterday. I can’t start a new thing because the old things are tumbling down all around me.

• I know I am intelligent and capable, and yet I somehow can’t get my life together.

• I can’t blame it on the divorce because I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

• And my mind is always going, going, going… racing ahead…. Waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

And the battles I had with my mother growing up… I drove her CRAZY. She always told me to engage my brain before engaging my mouth… it just never happened. Things slipped out of my mouth that should never have…But yes indeed… said it. Other, more empathetic people thought it… but I put a voice to it. Which inevitably led to a face slap or hairbrush over my bum, compliments of my mom.

What about taking things personally? So sensitive to rejection. Not being able to bounce back, but hiding it from everyone. Pretending I’m fine. It was nothing. Don’t let anyone know they have the power to hurt me.

ADHD in Women Over 50

Do you have any of these symptoms?

• You’ve been holding it together for YEARS, then your house of cards collapses.

• You are high-functioning and constantly EXHAUSTED.

• Clutter builds up externally while inside you feel clear.

• You are constantly filling spaces both physically and mentally

• You have difficulty with systems, even though you CRAVE order

• You are constantly reinventing yourself.

For years I masked my symptoms with responsibility, intelligence, and coping strategies.

Some people look at my disaster-of-a-desk and think “LAZY”, or that I lack discipline, or that I have a character flaw. And I myself thought I had a character flaw. I just didn’t understand what my problem was.

And then I read about it. My brain regulates differently. Something about my dopamine regulation is off. This impacts motivation, focus, and follow-through. And when this is constant over time and shows up in multiple areas of your life, and interferes with daily functioning and causes stress— it’s a problem.

I have a weird glitch in how my brain translates intentions into action.

The Foundational Shift

And then— here’s what happens: the external structures that were keeping in place suddenly were kaput.

The kids all went away. I had been a “slave” to their schedules: getting up, driving, feeding, everything revolved around their schedules which kept me going.

Then, with the divorce, and moving back to the city, my daily routine was shot. I had to create a new routine. And in the process, my ADHD tendencies took over. I couldn’t figure out how to organize myself.

The Futile Attempts

I did what any woman in my position would do: I hired an organizer.

I went through several before I found one whose brain I could follow. She put things in logical places.

But she could only help with my external battles. The internal battles still raged. And if you saw my very large dining room table, you would immediately and unquestionably understand. Paper strewn about. Obvious attempts at organizing the disaster, but nothing completed.

I think back on the years of trying to get this together. My sister gave me Christmas presents for organizational days. She is very organized, sets up systems, but there was no maintenance. I couldn’t keep things going. I got overwhelmed.

I often thought back to Ty Hicks, whom I worked with in advertising. We knocked off at 5 pm. At 4:40 pm, he stopped whatever he was doing, no matter what it was, and put everything away, leaving his desk clear. If he had a few minutes left over, he would come and check on me, still sitting there trying to crank out work. Productive till the last moment, leaving my desk in a disaster when it was time to go, not wanting to disturb my “system.”

I tried the Ty HIcks method, but I had an overriding code that said, “one last thing… one last thing…” and in the end, I was always there late doing that one last thing. Ty’s mind was orderly. My mind is more a process of random connections (aka: chaos).

My New Plan

Adderall is the obvious solution.

But I hate to take drugs.

What else could I try?

I needed a clear, simple process that could work the way my brain works so I don’t get overwhelmed in transitions.

This is what I am trying (as the method for this month) to see if it works:

I will manage three things per day. (A simple Dr. Seuss strategy system.)

1. Thing One: One Anchor Focus

   1. What is the one action I have to accomplish TODAY?

Maybe it’s to outline my blog or decide on the moving company or whatever it is, the ONE THING.

2. Thing Two: One Environmental Reset

   1. Pick one small, definable space to organize. Not my entire closet. Not my entire desk, just one small, manageable part.

   2. There must be a visible DONE state that I can witness so I know the job is DONE.

3. Thing Three: One Energy Anchor

   1. I have to move my body. Whether it’s water aerobics, weight training, walking, salsa dancing, whatever. This will help to stabilize my nervous system.

4. Close the loop: when I see things that need to get done, I write them in my calendar for that will be the Thing One. Assign it a date. Then it will close the loop because I’ll know when I can do that.

According to neuroscience, this process should work because it reduces decision fatigue, creates dopamine hits through completion (visible wins), will shrink overwhelm, and build trust in myself. That way I will do what I say I’m going to do.

This is shifting my identity in a big way from: I need help to “I am a woman who creates order in small, powerful moves.”

As you discover your old systems are no longer working for you and you are feeling overwhelmed, consider building simpler systems, with a more intentional structure with a rhythm that works with you instead of creating pressure for you.

The Tarot Pull

Six of Swords - Smith-Waite Tarot Deck

For this blog, I pulled the Six of Swords. This is the card of transition… moving from rough waters to calm waters, from one way of being to another;

It struck me that this is exactly what this moment feels like. A quiet crossing.

For years I thought something was wrong with me. I wasn’t trying hard enough, I had to be better. I was ashamed of my environment. But now I understand that my brain works differently.

Nothing about my past has changed, but everything that relates to it has.

And now I feel like I am moving into calmer waters.

I understand myself better and can move forward with clearer intentions.

It’s like when you go to the doctor and they don’t know what’s wrong with you versus you getting a clear diagnosis. The unknown is crippling… How can you move forward with clarity? You don’t know what’s wrong. But when you have a diagnosis, you can figure out your path. Now the path is clearer.