Judgment, Pasta, and The Pain We Carry
How do you know what message the Universe is sending?
In a fit of frustration, I threw the full spaghetti pot, boiling water and all, to the floor, gathered my things, and left.
Two years. Gone.
Two years with a guy who clearly didn’t really see me or understand me. “If you eat that pasta, you are going to get fat!” he had said.
Fat? From eating pasta?
It didn’t make sense. I worked out regularly. I was conscious of my diet. Neither my mom nor my sisters were the least bit overweight. For that matter, neither was I. But he insisted –eating pasta late at night would be the start of a slippery slope.
So I left.
Fast forward two years…
I was in a new relationship. I came home exhausted and hungry from working all day then my evening graduate school classes. As I started making pasta, my new boyfriend looked at me and said, “You’ll get fat if you eat pasta this late.” Just like that.
My blood ran cold.
I gently put the pasta pot down, gathered all my things and left– again. Never to return.
Twice. The same message.
What was the Universe trying to tell me? Don’t eat late at night? Don’t eat pasta? Avoid judgmental men who want to micromanage my diet? Eat a healthy meal earlier? I just wasn’t sure.
But how could the EXACT SAME MESSAGE BE DELIVERED SO PAINFULLY TWICE???
Then last weekend, the unthinkable happened.
I was playing cribbage with my current boyfriend. As I shuffled the deck, he got up to grab a snack. I looked at him and said, “You can’t eat this late… You’ll get fat.”
He blinked. “Fat? Me? Are you kidding?”
But I kept at it. “Late night eating affects brain health. Your brain has to focus on digesting your food and can’t process details from the day. You’ll get plaque build-up. And you’ll get fat.”
What. Was. I. Doing.
I knew even as I said the words–something was off. It was like I was possessed. Why would I say something like that? He’s in great shape. He’s an adult. He knows how to take care of himself.
It felt like my old boyfriends were speaking through me.
What Was Really Happening?
Old wounds – still unhealed– were demanding attention. For me, comments about food and body = judgment, rejection, loss.
Even though the roles were reversed this time, my nervous system felt threatened. When my boyfriend calmly disagreed and asserted his needs, I snapped – because unconsciously I was back in those painful memories.
And suddenly, I became the one saying the hurtful words.
That brought shame, confusion, and heartbreak.
What I Learned…
I learned that I’m still carrying the pain from being judged about my eating habits and body– by people I trusted.
I hold strong beliefs about discipline, control and worth that run deep.
And as much as I want to protect others from that pain, I inadvertently passed it on.
What’s Really Going On…
This goes far beyond food or fat or fitness.
This is about safety, love, and control – and how tightly those are tangled up with my past.
Everything in my life is shifting right now.
And as I transform, old emotions are bubbling to the surface – not to break me, but to be released.
Where I Am Now
This moment is part of the clearing.
The hard, messy, beautiful work of becoming new.
And I’ve heard it said: when you're walking through hell, don’t stop.
So I’m walking. Ten months into the divorce.
And I believe there’s something beautiful on the other side.
If you’re in your own moment of unraveling – don’t go it alone. Reach out. Talk to someone. Let yourself be supported. That’s how we heal.
People want to help, they just don’t know how. So help them while helping yourself. Reach out today.
And as for the message from the Universe?
Maybe it wasn’t about pasta.
Or body image.
Or timing.
Maybe it was this:
Clear out the old to make space for the new.
And when it hurts the most — don’t stop there.
That’s probably not the place to build your home.
Keep going.
The support is out there. So is your next chapter.
Here is the tarot card I pulled. The question I asked is,
"What do my readers need to know this week?"
The Eight of Cups reversed came up... here's the message:
When the 8 of Cups appears reversed, it often signals a hesitation to walk away, even when something no longer serves your soul. It suggests being stuck between the pain of staying and the fear of the unknown if you leave.
This card is an invitation to ask yourself:
Are you holding onto something out of habit, guilt, or fear?
Have you outgrown a dynamic or belief, but don’t feel ready to release it?
Are you walking away in body, but not yet in heart?
In the context of this blog, the reversed 8 of Cups may be whispering:
“You’ve already started the journey. Keep going.
Don’t turn back now.
There’s deeper healing and greater love waiting when you trust yourself enough to fully let go.”
This card reminds us that leaving isn’t always about walking away from others—it’s often about walking toward yourself.
Have a great week!
Alicia
Oh! This is beautiful truth! So well written and insightful! Thank you!!