Is That a Pebble In Your Shoe?
Negativity Bias
The Inciting Incident
Why is it that one negative comment can ruin your whole day—even when dozens of people appreciated you?
That exact thing happened to me this week at the pool. I stepped up to lead a warm-up when the teacher was late. Everyone seemed happy—except for one woman who said we should just wait. And guess which comment my brain couldn’t let go of?
The Aftermath
That one comment has been following me and eating away at me.
Why would I let the negative remarks of one woman be my rudder, when many more women were grateful that we could start the program and not have to wait?
The Cause
It’s called Negativity Bias and you may have suffered from this before as well.
We are wired to give far more weight to a negative experience than to a positive one. This dates way back to prehistoric days because if we were to survive, we had to focus on the dangers and disapproval of the tribe to survive.
While intellectually I know I did the right thing, the instructor was so appreciative when he arrived, overall (minus 1) the group was glad, and I genuinely helped the class, my mind still hooked onto that one negative woman who pushed back. It felt like a threat to belonging, credibility, and to my authority even though logically I know I took the right action.
The Why
I am going through this with you today because you may have found yourself spiraling in a situation like this in the past and it’s good to know how to slam on the brakes so you don’t make yourself crazy.
That negative comment feels so personal because harmony and connection are important. As women, we like to be able to fix situations and keep everyone happy, and after you step up to a situation, we are at risk for pushback and that spotlight is risky.
Wearing My Coach Hat
I know from a coaching perspective how to deal with this. If this had happened to one of my clients, what would I have said?
First, we would have a reality check. I would have said that this situation reveals more about the woman with the attitude. She might not like someone else taking the spotlight or leadership role when she might have wanted to do that. Whatever was going on with her is no reflection on me.
Second, taking a leadership position puts you at risk for pushback and as a leader, you need to accept that and not let one (or however many) dissenting voices dissuade me from doing what I believe to be correct. Universal approval is a very rare occurrence.
Third, since this is a relatively minor incident that has become overgrown in my mind, it has triggered a bigger issue. Perhaps this woman’s comment triggered an old belief that I'm not good enough to lead this group, or that I’m overstepping what is right. Then in trying to solve this, my brain has dropped into a negative loop.
Quick 5-Step Process to Get Out of a Negative Loop
Which then begs the question of how to get out of a negative loop. Thank you for asking. Because the problem is you can’t THINK yourself out of a negative loop since you already know intellectually that this is crazy. You have to involve your BODY. Because the feelings are buried in your body.
Here is a quick ritual you can do to release the moment: ( I have a thing for rituals!!)
Close your eyes and picture your scene. (For me, it’s the pool, the people, and her comment.)
Breathe deeply. (You KNOW how I love the power of your breath!) Inhale for 4 and exhale for 8. Repeat 3 times.
Imagine holding her comment in your hands like a gray little ball of energy.
Visualize tossing the comment out of the window, away, beyond view so you can’t even follow it anymore while saying to yourself, “This is not mine to carry.”
Replace it with gratitude. For me it is the gratitude of the people who wanted to warm up before the teacher arrived.
Why this works
Your nervous system can’t release stress just by thinking. You have to move, breathe, and visualize letting it go. That’s why this works when logic doesn’t.
Another Choice
You can also REFRAME the situation in your mind. Look at what the old story is. In my case, the old story is: One woman didn’t want me to lead. Her comment bothers me, so maybe I overstepped or did something wrong.”
The NEW STORY is: I stepped up when there was a gap. Most people appreciated it. One person resisted – but I kept going anyway. That’s what true leadership is: doing the right thing even when not everyone agrees. That woman’s comment just proves that I was visible, and strong enough to create a reaction. If everyone is silent, it usually means you’re not making an impact. I didn’t need her approval to do the right thing and I still don’t.
When You Step Up
The truth is leaders will always get pushback. The woman who resisted was my “proof of impact.” If I hadn’t stepped up we would have gotten a 45 minute workout instead of the hour we came for.
It’s important to look at the big picture. Otherwise it’s like being in a beautiful place with a gorgeous view and food and company and only noticing the gnats.
Apply this strategy when you find yourself stuck in a negative loop to free yourself from being stuck in a neural rut.
You are here to do great things. Let those voices of negativity fuel you to move forward with strength.
Hugs,
Alicia
Tarot Pull for the week:
This week’s tarot card is the 9 of Cups reversed—which couldn’t be more fitting.
Upright, the Nine of Cups is about joy and satisfaction. But reversed, it reminds us that even when things go well, we can rob ourselves of happiness by focusing on what’s missing instead of celebrating what’s right.
This week, I invite you to pause and truly enjoy your wins—even the small ones.
This week, I invite you to pause and truly enjoy your wins—even the small ones. Because the truth is, most of the time, you’re already doing better than you give yourself credit for.