I Do Hard Things
Plunging into Desire After 50
How It Began
“What can I do for you?” - he innocently asked.
I buried my face in the pillow.
How embarrassing that at my age, I had no idea how to respond.
What do I desire?
What does my body call for, yearn for?
My brain goes blank.
I have no idea.
When Desire Has Been Silenced
Being able to verbalize my desires requires that I know what it is I desire. But after so many years of suppressing those wicked little wants, I come up empty.
I hope I’m the last generation of women raised to service our husbands. Back then, my desires were irrelevant. I had my DUTY.
If I enjoyed myself along the way, great… but still: irrelevant.
“Men have needs…” my husband told me.
“Men have needs…”
And I would wonder, do I have needs too? What are MY needs?
What I Thought I Needed
At first it was financial security. I needed a stable foundation to raise my (still unborn) kids. This was the 1980-90’s where salary discrepancies were commonplace. I definitely needed a partner. I came from a traditional home and that is the vision I had for myself.
I believed it took two to tango.
So we settled into a relationship. We established patterns.
And change? Change is hard.
So we maintained the status quo.
Because I believed the devil you know is better than the unknown or being alone.
But is that true?
Old Truths, New Questions
It’s time to question old truths.
Is it a woman’s DUTY to sacrifice his desires?
Do only men have needs?
Is the status quo better than the unknown?
What are you willing to put up with?
Shift.
Shift.
I can hear the planet shifting.
Change is possible.
I Do Hard Things
In January of 2024 I developed a new mantra.
I had started to cold plunge and I needed motivation to get in that cold water every day.
“I do hard things.
I am Alicia Berberich and I do hard things.”
And so I plunged.
I plunged into cold waters.
I plunged into divorce.
I plunged into dating.
I plunged into discovering what MY needs actually are.
I plunged into learning new vocabulary around desire.
I plunged into CHANGE.
Because I am Alicia Berberich and I do hard things.
What about you?
Who are you?
What do you do?
Maybe it’s time to find out.
Press on your old limits and see if they don’t expand into new possibilities.
The more we talk about it and open up to each other, the more becomes possible for us.
Opening Pandora’s Box (On Purpose)
When I worked in advertising in the 1980s we were not allowed to talk about our salaries. At the time, there were great discrepancies between the salaries of people with the same job titles and responsibilities depending upon their gender. But that Pandora’s box finally got opened because people do talk.
We NEED to talk to each other to find out what is possible.
Recently, I was reading the compilation of stories compiled by Gillian Anderson (Yes, from Sex Education the TV show). It’s a collection of women’s fantasies. I picked it up because when I tried to think of my own fantasies, I came up blank.
Amongst my peer group, we don’t talk about our fantasies.
We don’t talk about sex.
We don’t talk about intimacy.
We don’t talk about what we want as women.
But we should.
From “Lady’s Part” to Liberation
When my daughters were little, I taught them to refer to their anatomy as their “Lady’s Part.” That was my term for the entire region. (I know…total nerd.) Luckily, my girls think I’m funny. But more importantly, they’re NOT repeating the silence I inherited. My mother never spoke to me about sex or intimacy, because she herself was too uncomfortable.
Generational trauma.
But it ends with me.
Because now my girls are teaching me about feminine embodiment. They’re expanding my boundaries and opening me up to new possibilities. Amazing. The children become the teachers.
Your Turn: Follow the Squeamish
So here’s your to-do list for this week, (if you choose to accept it!):
Look to places where you feel squeamish
Follow that discomfort
Ask yourself why
See what possibility lives just beyond it...
And most importantly:
Investigate with a child-like spirit of adventure.
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Please forward to 3 friends or family members who would resonate with this story. Thanks!
Here is the link for the book WANT by Gilllian Anderson
The Tarot card for this week is:
The Hierophant
So interesting to get this card today. The Hierophant represents established traditions. When I pulled the card, it was reversed signifying a rejection of traditions, questioning established ways, a rejection of authority. Isn’t that what we are doing when we push for our own needs? No longer subjugated to tradition? This is the perfect card to cheer us on our way to a new and better way of being in the world! Go us!!!