Welcome to Boudoir Banter!
Over the past several weeks, we’ve been exploring self-abandonment—how it happens so gradually that we don’t even realize we’re disappearing from our own lives.
We’ve talked about the Self-Abandonment Compass, the Good Girl Trap, the Good Wife Cage, and the hidden cost of doing everything “right.” But awareness is only the beginning.
Now it’s time to answer the question every woman eventually asks:
“How do I get myself back?”
A few months after my divorce, I noticed something strange.
It wasn’t the big decisions that were difficult.
It was the little ones.
What restaurant did I want to go to?
What color should I paint my kitchen?
What did I want to do on a Saturday afternoon?
For years, I had become so accustomed to considering everyone else’s preferences that I had quietly stopped consulting myself.
At first, I thought I had lost my confidence.
Now I realize something very different.
I hadn’t lost my confidence.
I had lost my agency.
And that realization changed everything.
What Is Agency?
Agency is the belief that you have both the right and the responsibility to shape your own life.
It isn’t about controlling everything.
No one can control whether someone loves you, whether a marriage survives, whether your children call, or whether life unfolds exactly as you planned.
But you can always choose your actions.
You can always choose your responses.
And that is where your power lives.
The definition that has guided me this year is this:
Agency is the capacity to keep choosing yourself—even when you cannot choose the outcome.
That single idea has become one of the most important lessons of my own journey.
Instead of spending my energy wishing the past had been different, I began asking a different question:
“What can I create from here?”
Because while you cannot rewrite yesterday, you have enormous influence over tomorrow.
The Agency Blueprint
Over the past year, I’ve come to believe that agency isn’t a personality trait.
It isn’t something some people are born with while others are not.
Agency is a collection of muscles.
Like every muscle, it becomes stronger through deliberate practice.
Like every muscle, it weakens when it isn’t used.
And just like after a difficult workout, when we’re emotionally exhausted we don’t have access to our full strength.
The good news?
Muscles can always be strengthened.
Over the next four weeks, I’ll introduce what I call The Agency Blueprint—a framework built around twelve Muscles of Agency.
I’ll explore them three at a time.
Each muscle builds upon the one before it.
As you strengthen them, you’ll begin to:
See yourself more clearly.
Become the author of your own life instead of a supporting character in someone else’s.
Become someone you can rely on.
Align your outer life with your inner truth.
Without agency, life often feels like something that happens to us.
With agency, we begin intentionally creating a life that reflects who we truly are.
Why This Matters to Me
At the beginning of 2025, I chose a single word for the year.
Agency.
At the time, I had no idea how significant that word would become.
As I navigated divorce, I realized I couldn’t change what had happened.
But I could decide who I wanted to become.
Some days those choices were tiny.
Other days they were incredibly difficult.
But every small decision strengthened a muscle that had been dormant for years.
Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t simply rebuilding my life.
I was rebuilding my relationship with myself.
My hope is that by sharing what I’ve learned, you will discover that you are capable of doing the same.
A Lesson from the Pool
If you’ve been reading for a while, you know I’ve taught water aerobics for more than twenty years.
One thing I see every week is that people almost always underestimate their own strength.
Women arrive convinced they “can’t.”
They think they’re too old.
Too weak.
Too out of shape.
And then, week after week, they surprise themselves.
Not because they suddenly become stronger overnight.
Because they keep showing up.
Strength isn’t something you discover.
It’s something you build.
Agency works exactly the same way.
You don’t wake up one morning feeling empowered.
You strengthen it one choice at a time.
And I want you to hear this because I believe it with my whole heart:
You are so much stronger than you know.
Life may challenge you in ways you never expected.
There may be moments when the pain feels unbearable.
There may be days when you feel numb—or wish you felt numb.
Keep going.
One choice.
One conversation.
One decision.
One step.
And when it feels like too much, reach out.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Asking for support is also an act of agency.
Part One: The First Three Muscles of Agency
1. The Muscle of Awareness
Agency begins with seeing clearly.
This muscle notices resentment.
Exhaustion.
Overachievement.
People-pleasing.
Indecision.
Self-abandonment.
Without awareness, we remain on autopilot.
When I was married, I didn’t recognize how often I silenced myself.
I didn’t see how frequently I made excuses for my husband.
I didn’t realize how exhausted I was from trying to maintain peace between my inner reality and my outer life.
Looking back, I understand that these were survival strategies.
Awareness wasn’t the end of the journey.
It was the beginning.
Because once we see clearly, we can begin choosing differently.
2. The Muscle of Self-Consultation
This may be the first true muscle of agency.
Self-abandonment teaches you to stop consulting yourself.
Instead of asking,
“What do I think?”
you ask,
“What does everyone else think?”
Instead of asking,
“What do I want?”
you ask,
“What makes the most sense?”
When I first began rebuilding this muscle, the answers didn’t come quickly.
Sometimes they arrived two or three days after a conversation.
I’d call someone back and say,
“Remember what we talked about earlier this week? I finally know what I was feeling.”
That’s how disconnected I had become from my own inner voice.
If that’s where you are, be patient.
You’re not failing.
You’re rebuilding a muscle that hasn’t been used in a very long time.
3. The Muscle of Desire
Once you know what you think, you can begin discovering what you want.
Not what is practical.
Not what everyone expects.
Not what causes the least disruption.
What delights you?
What energizes you?
What makes you curious?
Desire isn’t selfish.
Desire is information.
It tells you where your life wants to grow.
Your Practice This Week
Before you ask your spouse, your children, your best friend—or even Google—pause.
Take thirty seconds.
Ask yourself:
What do I think?
What do I want?
Don’t worry if the answers don’t come immediately.
The goal isn’t to have all the answers.
The goal is to begin consulting the one person whose voice may have been missing for far too long:
Your own.
That’s where agency begins.
Next week we’ll strengthen the next three muscles of agency:
Choice, Emotional Tolerance, and Boundaries.
Until then, keep listening.
Your inner voice has been there all along.
It may simply need the chance to be heard.
The Tarot Nook
The Knight of Swords Reversed
When you charge ahead without thought, that isn’t agency. That is moving on autopilot. That is exactly what this Knight is doing.
Agency doesn’t begin with bold action—it begins with quiet listening.
The reversed Knight often appears when your inner voice has been drowned out by obligation, people-pleasing, or self-doubt. Instead of charging ahead, he invites you to pause, reflect, and reconnect with your own truth.
For many women, self-abandonment doesn’t happen because they lack strength. It happens because they gradually stop consulting themselves. They become so accustomed to asking everyone else what they think that they forget to ask, “What do I think?”
Don’t rush to find the “right” answer. Strengthen the first muscles of agency by creating space to listen. Your deepest wisdom may not arrive immediately—and that’s okay. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can say is, “I need some time to think about that.”
Agency begins not when you move faster, but when you stop long enough to hear yourself again.