Dealing with Grief in Divorce
I looked out over the low stone wall to the glassy Lago Maggiore. The scene was serene. These early morning hours, before everyone is around, are my favorite moments.
In the background, I can hear the low rumble of thunder and see the occasional flash of lightning, but no rain. So I sit and enjoy the bitter richness of my first coffee.
And then it hits. Out of the blue. A downward spiral. I had always been here before with Gunnar. We had many happy times at this table, swimming in the lake, sharing fabulous meals, and warm conversations. We had a history there. A shared history.
And that book is closed.
It’s the roller coaster of grief. The undeniable truth that what was will no longer be.
And no matter how much my mind understands that this is “for the best,” my heart still aches for what’s been lost. Everything has changed… shifted.
I see it happening on a macro level too—systems breaking down, governments crumbling, old narratives being shattered.
And here I am, navigating my own crumbling institution: the end of a 30-year marriage.
The stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance—don’t capture the identity quake that comes with this kind of shift. I don’t just miss the relationship. I miss the woman I was within it. I miss the routines, the shorthand, the easy comfort of a shared life.
Before I talked about empty nest syndrome. (You were known as a mom, but now you are a woman who has no kids at home… So who are you?) (Funny how they all return…shifting that identity yet AGAIN.)
The evolution from a wife to a divorceé is a hard road. Not only the financial impact, dealing with lawyers, telling people (yes, indeed, my marriage failed… but that doesn’t make me a failure…) is painful and probably a whole new terrain.
And even when I know I will be better off in the long run, the short run is devastating as I try to figure out who I am. Who is the woman with the wrinkly face looking back at me from the mirror? To sit in my own pain missing who I was before.
Knowing intellectually I am better off and still missing what was.
Ester Sarphatie, an Instagram Influencer in the area of marriage, said a good marriage is based on shared visions, values, and strategies for growth, just like a good business. When I got married that is exactly what I had. We wanted to grow in the same direction.
But then, as it happens, the winds of time changed direction.
The shared vision, values, and strategy for growth were no longer the binding glue.
And so, where once I sat enjoying quiet moments with my partner, now I sit alone watching the ducks swim by diving for breakfast.
The winds have shifted.
I too must alter my sails to find a new shore.
I guess this is the depression stage of grief. Missing the life that once was.
I am excited for the life that will be… it’s just that I have to take off the old clothes to put on the new clothes and the old clothes were comfortable, worn in, cozy. The new clothes… well… I’m still working on what fits me at this time.
I know that what I create in my mind is what I manifest. I am spending time figuring out what it is I want my future to look like, creating the vision. This is my current crucial step forward. For 30 years I was the # 2 and now I am # 1. I make the decisions to drive my life forward. I want to do it consciously in the direction of my choice and not drift where the wind blows my sail. Yes. It is definitely time for a tack.
What about you? What is your vision for your future? What are your values? What is your strategy to move forward? What will you wear as you move forward?
Tarot Card for the Week: Six of Swords
This card is about transition, emotional healing, and crossing from the old to the new. You may be in between—no longer who you were, not yet who you’ll become. That’s okay. The boat is moving. The shore is ahead. Let the waters carry you gently forward.
P.S. If you’re navigating grief, transition, or rediscovering your identity, hit “Message” and tell me what part of your story is unfolding. I’m listening.